|when everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive...
||[Dec. 19th, 2004|07:34 pm]
|||||Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls||]|
to the one who's in the spotlight but meant for the shade, to the quiet one who isn't shy, to the most beautiful exposed wound....
to, simply, moo/jack my boyfriend:
my best friend, and the sister i've never had, moo. we've known each other for quite some time. since probably 2nd grade i believe. we were friends in elementary school...you had your birthday party with a ballerina theme haha. i don't remember much else from those years but i remember that we stopped talking...until 8th grade. ah, yes. 8th grade. this is the year we envy to the bones (and only we would know what that means...)that was the year named perfection. we started talking again...we started opening up. hell we started living again. we were always afraid of "i love you"s and the attachment that came with being a best friend, so we never really said it. we were terrified. you were the first person who ever understood me...and consistently, i might add. you've always been there no matter what, and i never knew why you've stuck around. but it was easy to become attached to you...everyone else had to face this huge wall i had surrounding me that was pretty impossible to get by. i think you had a key to a secret passage through it.
and remember going to NYC, moo? remember my three-day stay that i wrote an essay about? we ordered raviolis and i had a cappacino while you had a milkshake...we shared and probably ate between the both of us 4 raviolis. and for dessert we had cheesecake, i believe? god that was good. but we were watching what we ate...we were wearing the same little mudd jeans that i could only dream about fitting into now. and the same shirts, except i think yours was blue and mine was red. that night i met your friend kristin, and we listened to her sing and it was amazing. and i don't remember when but we started aimlessly wondering the streets. remember that strip club? pussy something....haha i don't know but it was funny. and that guy? i think he told us it was past our bed time, i don't know i've been smoking too much pot my memory's kind of shot. (that rhymed)and remember the car ride there? we were sooooo funny. we could NOT stop laughing for NO reason. i swear to god we sounded like we were on crack. i think at one point we were almost afraid that we were on crack and forgot we did it. and the ride home was much different...we were tired and fell asleep. but then we came home around 3...and didn't sleep when we had to wake up 3 hours later. and i saw the ghost through the window on the roof! and you saw it too and we hid under the blankies cause we started hearing noises. then we woke up to max licking us and we went to the U.S. open. i remember we saw that hip hop group, off the curb or whatever, and they were amazing. other than that i think we were kind of bored...and it was very hot...and we were very tired. i think we came home and ate veggie chips.
remember the strobelights? and how they get me high...especially if we spin in circles! oh my. we could save a lot of money just getting high off strobelights...
i know you remember cape cod. of courseeeee. we were just talking about it a few minutes ago. so many good times. that was one of the best vacations i've been on in a WHILE. there were definitely some bad parts (ahem your mommy) but the fact that we were together just made EVERYTHING better. so many embaressing moments that trip...oh god...i hate myself. us going to the gym and me dropping my walkman, then stupidly picking it up not realizing that i was still on the treadmill. so of course i fall, with my feet flying under me and youre still on your treadmill with your headphones screaming "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!" and i'm on the ground and laughing so hard it hurts and this little guy runs over to see if i'm ok and i manage to get out an "i'm fine" between the laughter. all of these old people were staring at me. oh god. haha and us biking. it took us SO LONG to decide if we wanted the bikes. us and our indecisiveness...jesus we're a mess together. then we finally got them and i kept crashing into things with mine...of course. haha i was going to fast and crashed into the bush while trying to turn and ANOTHER LITTLE GUY jumped out and asked if i was ok...i'm convinced that there are like...A MILLION LITTLE GUYS all watching me and are ready to ask if i'm okay if i'm being completely retarted and injure myself in some way. haha and then i crashed into a sign...and then i just went the wrong way and it took me TOO LONG to figure out that it was the wrong way. hahaha and we came home and blazzzeeedddd in the backyard with my RETARDED pipe/"bat". stupid one-hitter. i always have to hold your nose because for some reason you always involuntarily exhale all the smoke out of it when youre trying to hold it in. we got pretty high...and ate a million smores. i also had a million of those nasty peanut butter toast crunch things. then we showered and fell asleep standing up...and you woke up to me talking to the shampoo. and remember tanning naked? we basically had no reason for it either which is the funniest part. there was NO sun out...and people could see us. brilliance. and mini golfing!! we had matching balls! excitement. and after that we played with shopping carts and took those famous pictures. then going to the wendy's drive in and having me yell at them for not serving us just cause we didn't have a car. "WHAT IF WE WERE HOBOS?!?!" shame on them...so we went to a grocery store and bought the cookies...and called conk. magical times. i think i was trying to rhyme conk's name with everything...bonk, yonk, wonk...yes you get the drift. haha and the fishing trip that we both hated...oh god i think we wanted to jump off that goddamned boat more than anything. at least we had music and books. and the baby sharks were amusing...until they were brutally killed in front of us...and provincetown afterwards...WE WANT A GAY BOY TO PLAY WITH oh goodness. i love them. and i finally have someone to love them with. they were sooooo cute holding hands and such. and then i went into that store to try on a shirt and went fucking...OUTSIDE to try it on cause i thought that's where the lady pointed...and all these gay boys saw me which pretty much doesnt matter but it was funny as hell. i'll never forget that night with the "big big waves"...we went on the beach at night with flashlights and were running through the sand and i fell, of course. we were laughing uncontrollably the whole time at the big big waves and trying to run away from them. then you had to pee and went behind the lifeguard chair...and i remember us sitting in the lifeguard chair and it was absolutely gorgeous outside. we were freezing our asses off of course...we're ALWAYS cold. but we both agreed that at that moment, even though we knew it might not last...at that moment we were genuinely happy. us. happy. who would've ever thought they'd coincide in the same sentence?
and we've been through so much, me and my moo. personal stuff. stuff that i would not express on a livejournal, but she knows how i mean. we're survivors. and in that little moment it seemed we were healed...and we shared it together. it sounds stupid to anyone else, but it really meant something. and i'm so glad i was with her that night.
i know i've left stuff out. like i said, i've been smoking too much reefer, so i don't always remember these things...but on a different note...mooey, baby, i'm gonna be cliche and say i want us to be best friends forever. really. FOREVER. i'd be dead without you. i really would. things change...our diet plans, new scars, boys in our lives...i know we've changed too. but we're not lost, mooey. things will be back to normal again...i know they will, they always do. and i know i don't say this enough especially lately...but i love you. i love you i love you i love you...and i'm not afraid to say it anymore. and i miss you, oh god i miss you terribly...