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and when i think of it, my fingers turn to fists, i never did anything to you man... [Dec. 24th, 2004|11:49 pm]
[mood |excitedexcited]
[music |recording of me singing fiona apple]

xxx <3
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(no subject) [Dec. 20th, 2004|05:23 pm]
[mood |embarrassedembarrassed]
[music |yucky christmas music]

holy crap.
kelly, ridgely, and conk RANDOMLY showed up at my door with soup. oh god. i've never been so embaressed. i am sooooo sick and i look like i'm going to die. i am deathly pale and my nose is all red from blowing it, I'M NOT WEARING ANY MAKE-UP and my hair is a mess and i'm wearing pajamas and a sweatshirt. oh god. but i love them nonetheless.

i hope mommy wasn't too mad...

(none of you would know what i meant by this)
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i really have to stop doing these fucking things [Dec. 20th, 2004|02:22 pm]
stolen from cate:

[+] = yes..
[-] = okay/kinda and all those in-betweens..
[ ] = never/no

[+] been drunk.
[+] smoked pot.
[+] kissed a member of the opposite .
[+] kissed a member of the same .
[+] rode in a taxi.
[+] been dumped.
[+] dumped someone.
[+] shoplifted.
[ ] been fired.
[-] been in a fist fight.
[ ] had a threesome
[+] snuck out of your parent's house
[ ] been arrested.
[ ] stole something from your job.
[ ] celebrated new years in times square.
[-] went on a blind date.
[+] lied to a friend.
[-] had a crush on a teacher
[ ] celebrated Mardi-Gras in New Orleans
[ ] been to Europe.
[+] skipped school.
[+] thrown up from drinking.
[ ] lost your sibling.
[+] played 'Clue'.
[+] had a sleepover party.
[ ] dropped x.
[ ] cheated on a bf/gf.
[+] been cheated on.
[ ] had a sweet sixteen
[ ] had a quinceanera.
[+] had a car.
[+] drove
[+] went ice skating.

Do you...
[ ] have a bf.
[ ] have a gf.
[+] have a crush
[-] feel loved.
[+] feel lonely.
[-] feel happy
[-] yourself.
[ ] think you're attractive.
[ ] have a dog.
[+] have your own room.
[+] listen to rap.
[+] listen to rock.
[+] listen to soul.
[ ] listen to techno.
[+] listen to reggae.
[+ paint your nails.
[+] have more than 1 best friend.
[-] get good grades.
[-] play an instrument
[+] have slippers.
[+] wear black eyeliner.
[+] like the color blue.
[+] like the color yellow.
[+] cyber.
[ ] claim.
[+] like to read.
[+] like to write.
[-] have long hair.
[-] have short hair.
[+] have a cell phone.
[ ] have a laptop.
[ ] have a pager.
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if only the lights would dim a little, i'm weary of eyes upon my scars... [Dec. 20th, 2004|01:43 pm]
[mood |giddygiddy]
[music |Here In My Room by Incubus]

i have butterflies...
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snow day bitch [Dec. 20th, 2004|01:30 pm]
[mood |sickdying]
[music |I. Adagio; Allegro non troppo by Tchaikovsky]

GunsFiren (12:47:15 PM): :-P
heartshapdb0xx (12:47:30 PM): :-)
GunsFiren (12:47:45 PM): :-D
heartshapdb0xx (12:47:50 PM): =-O
GunsFiren (12:48:16 PM): O:-)
heartshapdb0xx (12:48:26 PM): :-*
GunsFiren (12:48:43 PM): :-*:-*
heartshapdb0xx (12:48:59 PM): ;-)
GunsFiren (12:49:11 PM): :-[:-D
heartshapdb0xx (12:49:27 PM): :-P8-)
GunsFiren (12:49:53 PM): :-D
heartshapdb0xx (12:50:36 PM): >:oO:-)
GunsFiren (12:50:59 PM): >:o
GunsFiren (12:51:15 PM): :-*
heartshapdb0xx (12:51:18 PM): =-O
heartshapdb0xx (12:51:21 PM): :-)
GunsFiren (12:52:13 PM): :-!
heartshapdb0xx (12:52:22 PM): :-X
GunsFiren (12:52:50 PM): :-(
heartshapdb0xx (12:52:58 PM): =-O:-(
GunsFiren (12:53:50 PM): =-O:-\
heartshapdb0xx (12:54:06 PM): :-\:-*
GunsFiren (12:54:30 PM): :-*
heartshapdb0xx (12:54:43 PM): O:-)
GunsFiren (12:58:01 PM): O:-):-*
heartshapdb0xx (12:58:18 PM): ;-);-)
GunsFiren (12:59:29 PM): :-P
heartshapdb0xx (12:59:38 PM): :-D

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every pilot needs a co-pilot... [Dec. 19th, 2004|11:19 pm]
[mood |lovedloved]


Your Beauty lies
in Individuality. Different, amazing, and all your
own. You like be set apart
from all others and most love that you do. You are
solitary at times, but for
the most part, there is no greater compliment to
you than someone telling you
that you are different. You're most likely a bit of
a fighter and you hate it
when anyone attempts to change who you are. You
wear what you want, look how you
want and don't let anyone tell you what do to. You
can be a little immature at
times and have trouble dealing with authority and
asking others for help. You
like to do things yourself and are independent
almost to a fault. But, people
still find your individuality amazing and the fact
that no matter what happens
or what anyone else anyone thinks about it, you
will not change who you are.</font>

Some Things
That Represent You:

Dark, Fire Animal: White Tiger Color:
Bold Colors, Odd
Colors Song: Just They Way I Am by Angel
Expression: Smirk

Bloodstone Mythological Creature: Phoenix,
Dragon Planet: Pluto
Hair Color: Unnatural Colors Eye


"You laugh because I'm different. I laugh
because you're all the same."

Where Does Your Beauty Lie? ..::Original Pictures Are Back! Detailed Results::..
brought to you by Quizilla
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when everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you're alive... [Dec. 19th, 2004|07:34 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls]

to the one who's in the spotlight but meant for the shade, to the quiet one who isn't shy, to the most beautiful exposed wound....
to, simply, moo/jack my boyfriend:
my best friend, and the sister i've never had, moo. we've known each other for quite some time. since probably 2nd grade i believe. we were friends in elementary school...you had your birthday party with a ballerina theme haha. i don't remember much else from those years but i remember that we stopped talking...until 8th grade. ah, yes. 8th grade. this is the year we envy to the bones (and only we would know what that means...)that was the year named perfection. we started talking again...we started opening up. hell we started living again. we were always afraid of "i love you"s and the attachment that came with being a best friend, so we never really said it. we were terrified. you were the first person who ever understood me...and consistently, i might add. you've always been there no matter what, and i never knew why you've stuck around. but it was easy to become attached to you...everyone else had to face this huge wall i had surrounding me that was pretty impossible to get by. i think you had a key to a secret passage through it.
and remember going to NYC, moo? remember my three-day stay that i wrote an essay about? we ordered raviolis and i had a cappacino while you had a milkshake...we shared and probably ate between the both of us 4 raviolis. and for dessert we had cheesecake, i believe? god that was good. but we were watching what we ate...we were wearing the same little mudd jeans that i could only dream about fitting into now. and the same shirts, except i think yours was blue and mine was red. that night i met your friend kristin, and we listened to her sing and it was amazing. and i don't remember when but we started aimlessly wondering the streets. remember that strip club? pussy something....haha i don't know but it was funny. and that guy? i think he told us it was past our bed time, i don't know i've been smoking too much pot my memory's kind of shot. (that rhymed)and remember the car ride there? we were sooooo funny. we could NOT stop laughing for NO reason. i swear to god we sounded like we were on crack. i think at one point we were almost afraid that we were on crack and forgot we did it. and the ride home was much different...we were tired and fell asleep. but then we came home around 3...and didn't sleep when we had to wake up 3 hours later. and i saw the ghost through the window on the roof! and you saw it too and we hid under the blankies cause we started hearing noises. then we woke up to max licking us and we went to the U.S. open. i remember we saw that hip hop group, off the curb or whatever, and they were amazing. other than that i think we were kind of bored...and it was very hot...and we were very tired. i think we came home and ate veggie chips.
remember the strobelights? and how they get me high...especially if we spin in circles! oh my. we could save a lot of money just getting high off strobelights...
i know you remember cape cod. of courseeeee. we were just talking about it a few minutes ago. so many good times. that was one of the best vacations i've been on in a WHILE. there were definitely some bad parts (ahem your mommy) but the fact that we were together just made EVERYTHING better. so many embaressing moments that trip...oh god...i hate myself. us going to the gym and me dropping my walkman, then stupidly picking it up not realizing that i was still on the treadmill. so of course i fall, with my feet flying under me and youre still on your treadmill with your headphones screaming "WHAT HAPPENED?!?!" and i'm on the ground and laughing so hard it hurts and this little guy runs over to see if i'm ok and i manage to get out an "i'm fine" between the laughter. all of these old people were staring at me. oh god. haha and us biking. it took us SO LONG to decide if we wanted the bikes. us and our indecisiveness...jesus we're a mess together. then we finally got them and i kept crashing into things with mine...of course. haha i was going to fast and crashed into the bush while trying to turn and ANOTHER LITTLE GUY jumped out and asked if i was ok...i'm convinced that there are like...A MILLION LITTLE GUYS all watching me and are ready to ask if i'm okay if i'm being completely retarted and injure myself in some way. haha and then i crashed into a sign...and then i just went the wrong way and it took me TOO LONG to figure out that it was the wrong way. hahaha and we came home and blazzzeeedddd in the backyard with my RETARDED pipe/"bat". stupid one-hitter. i always have to hold your nose because for some reason you always involuntarily exhale all the smoke out of it when youre trying to hold it in. we got pretty high...and ate a million smores. i also had a million of those nasty peanut butter toast crunch things. then we showered and fell asleep standing up...and you woke up to me talking to the shampoo. and remember tanning naked? we basically had no reason for it either which is the funniest part. there was NO sun out...and people could see us. brilliance. and mini golfing!! we had matching balls! excitement. and after that we played with shopping carts and took those famous pictures. then going to the wendy's drive in and having me yell at them for not serving us just cause we didn't have a car. "WHAT IF WE WERE HOBOS?!?!" shame on them...so we went to a grocery store and bought the cookies...and called conk. magical times. i think i was trying to rhyme conk's name with everything...bonk, yonk, wonk...yes you get the drift. haha and the fishing trip that we both hated...oh god i think we wanted to jump off that goddamned boat more than anything. at least we had music and books. and the baby sharks were amusing...until they were brutally killed in front of us...and provincetown afterwards...WE WANT A GAY BOY TO PLAY WITH oh goodness. i love them. and i finally have someone to love them with. they were sooooo cute holding hands and such. and then i went into that store to try on a shirt and went fucking...OUTSIDE to try it on cause i thought that's where the lady pointed...and all these gay boys saw me which pretty much doesnt matter but it was funny as hell. i'll never forget that night with the "big big waves"...we went on the beach at night with flashlights and were running through the sand and i fell, of course. we were laughing uncontrollably the whole time at the big big waves and trying to run away from them. then you had to pee and went behind the lifeguard chair...and i remember us sitting in the lifeguard chair and it was absolutely gorgeous outside. we were freezing our asses off of course...we're ALWAYS cold. but we both agreed that at that moment, even though we knew it might not last...at that moment we were genuinely happy. us. happy. who would've ever thought they'd coincide in the same sentence?
and we've been through so much, me and my moo. personal stuff. stuff that i would not express on a livejournal, but she knows how i mean. we're survivors. and in that little moment it seemed we were healed...and we shared it together. it sounds stupid to anyone else, but it really meant something. and i'm so glad i was with her that night.
i know i've left stuff out. like i said, i've been smoking too much reefer, so i don't always remember these things...but on a different note...mooey, baby, i'm gonna be cliche and say i want us to be best friends forever. really. FOREVER. i'd be dead without you. i really would. things change...our diet plans, new scars, boys in our lives...i know we've changed too. but we're not lost, mooey. things will be back to normal again...i know they will, they always do. and i know i don't say this enough especially lately...but i love you. i love you i love you i love you...and i'm not afraid to say it anymore. and i miss you, oh god i miss you terribly...

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the host of the show came down, collapsed to the ground.... [Dec. 18th, 2004|02:50 pm]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |The Host by Sparta]

yes another survey!
i think i'm addicted.

I AM: hannah
I WANT: to get rid of this cold and not have to do my CAPT lab
I HAVE: to do my CAPT lab
I WISH: i could sleep forever
I HATE: myself
I FEAR: losing people i love and care about
I HEAR: myself eating. ew.
I FEEL: lonely
I SEARCH: for motivation
I WONDER: if everything's gonna be alright
I REGRET: too many things
I LOVE: moo
I ACHE: after karate and dance
I ALWAYS: worry
I AM NOT: happy
I DANCE: hip hop
I SING: all the time
I CRY: when i break down
I WRITE: not as much as i used to
I WIN: never in my mind
I LOSE: everything
I CONFUSE: myself
I NEED: love
I SHOULD: get a life

YES or NO:
x.YOU KEEP A DIARY: not anymore considering everyone reads it
x.YOU LIKE TO COOK: too lazy

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: i wouldn't really call it a "crush"
WANT TO GET MARRIED: not anytime soon
GET MOTION SICKNESS: i used to...i still do sometimes
THINK YOU'RE A HEALTH FREAK: in some ways i'm very OCDish

HAIR COLOR: blonde with black tips
EYE COLOR: blue/green/grey they change colors
BIRTHPLACE: norwalk hospital

COLOR: neon green
DAY: christmas
MONTH: may or june
SONG: deserts eating oceans by daphne loves derby
FOOD: jamaican beef patties with cheese
SEASON: summer
SPORT: soccer
DRINK: water



CRIED? nope
BOUGHT SOMETHING? i went to the mall last night if that counts
GOTTEN SICK? yes i have a cold
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? more or less
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? i'm writing in one now?
MISSED SOMEONE? yes very much


Name 5 bands you listen to:
1. nirvana
2. daphne loves derby
3. the sleeping
4. the postal service
5. even the odd

Name 7 things you hate:
1. girls
2. boys
3. ignoarance/immaturity/naivity
4. mainstream/tbe media/society
5. gossip
6. home
7. myself

Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug? maybe if i was drunk or high
2. Bungee jump? yes
3. Hang glide? hang glide?
4. Kill someone? i hope not
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? yes...i have
6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? hmmmmmmmmmm
7. Parachute from a plane? yeah but i'd probably soil myself
8. Walk on hot coals? probably cause i'm that dumb
9. Go out with someone for their looks? i'd hook up with them but if they didn't have a good personality or anything i wouldn't want to be with them
10. For their reputation? no sir
11. Be a vegetarian? haha i've tried
12. Wear plaid with stripes? if i felt like it
13. IM a stranger? yeah but i know how annoying it is to be the stranger
14. Sing Karaoke? sure
15. Get drunk off your ass? yes
16. Shoplift? i have, but i don't think i would now
17. Run a red light? if no one was there
18. Star in a porn video? nahhhh
19. Dye your hair blue? temporarily
20. Be on Survivor? i'd be the first one to die
21. Wear makeup in public? why the hell not?
22. Not wear makeup in public? oh god never
23. Cheat on a test? yes
24. Make someone cry? i wouldn't want to unless they deserved it
25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? if i loved them
26. Stay up all night? yes. it's been done.
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well hello again [Dec. 17th, 2004|02:55 pm]
[mood |amusedamused]

i thought this was awesome so i had to post like 2 seconds after my previous post.

Opening credits- Breed by Nirvana
Waking up- Raven by Kittie
Average day- It's Just One of Those Days by Limp Bizkit
First date- Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional
First Kiss- Walk Through Hell by Say Anything
Falling in Love- I Wasn't Prepared by Eisley
Fight scene- Rio Bravo by CKY
Breaking up- She Paints Me Blue by Something Corporate
Getting back together- Without You by Silverchair
Life's okay- The Safety of Routine by Name Taken
Mental breakdown- My Confession by Otep
Missing Someone- Miss You Love by Silverchair
Driving- Tiger Lilly by Matchbook Romance
Learning a lesson- I Quite My Scene by Name Taken
Taking a Chance- Dare You To Move by Switchfoot
Deep thought- All the Photographs by The Postal Service
Flashback- A Slow Descent by Straylight Run
Partying- Choke Me by The Used
Happy dance- Lithium by Nirvana
Regreting- Deserts Eating Oceans by Daphne Loves Derby
Long night alone- Where Is My Mind by Sparta
Death scene- As Your Voice Fades by Emery
Closing credits- Hello by Evanescence
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mmmmm surveys [Dec. 17th, 2004|02:26 pm]
[mood |sicksicker]
[music |Break Myself by Something Corporate]

1: piercings? 5 soon to be 7
2: tattoos? none yet
3: height? like 5'5
4: shoe size? 8 or 8.5
5: hair color? blonde with black ends
6: siblings? none

1: food? jamaican beef patties with cheese...OR PASTA
2: thing to do? shop
3: thing to talk about? music or boys
4: sports? soccer
5: drinks? water
6: clothes? anything funky
7: holiday? christmas!!! or maybe my birthday but not really

1: ever cried over a girl? i'd hate myself if i did haha
2: ever cried over a boy? too much
3: ever lied to someone? yes
4: ever been in a fist fight? yes
5: ever been arrested? haha not yet no

1: of times I have been in love? once...and always
2: of times I have had my heart broken? lots
3: of hearts I have broken? i don't know how I could break anyone's heart
4: of girls I have kissed? 7...oh that's embaressing
5: of boys I have kissed? at least 9 *counting on fingers*
6: of girls I've slept with? do you mean actually sleep?
7: of boys I've slept with? ...do you mean actually sleep haha
8: of drugs taken illegally? quite a few
9: of friends I would classify as true, could trust with my life with type friend? i don't even know anymore.
10: of people I consider my enemies? i consider the world my enemy.
11: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? not really
12: of scars on my body? i would have millions if i didn't use my anti scar cream *grins*
13: of things in my past that I regret? too many things

1: pretty? nope
2: funny? i have my moments
3: hot? nope
4: friendly? too friendly. even if they treat me like shit.
5: amusing? i suppose
6: ugly? yes
7: caring? to certain people/things
8: sweet? sometimes i'm a real asshole
9: dorky? yes

1: Wallet? probably nothing. i'm poor.
2: Hairbrush? it's metallic blue?
3: Toothbrush? pink
4: Jewelry worn daily? always earrings...i used to wear A LOT more but not really anymore
5: Pillow cover? i have two purple fuzzy ones and one with clouds
6: Blanket? clouds or my tie-dyed one
7: Sunglasses? two pairs of mod shades...one is white and the other is red and pink
8: Underwear? they ALL have leopard print
9: CD in stereo right now? i'm too lazy to look but i think it's still nirvana and daphne loves derby
10: Tattoos? none yet
11: Piercings? 5...we've been through this
12: What you are wearing now? jammies and a billabong sweatshirt
14: In my head? hoping i'll feel better so i can go to the mall later
15: Wishing? to look better
16: After this? food?
17: Person you wish you could see right now? well...
18: Is next to you right now? nobody :(
19: Your Mood? blank
20: The last thing you ate? french toast
21: Something that you are deathly afraid of? losing people i care about
22: Do you like candles? yeah they're sexy if they smell good
23: Do you like the taste of blood? i wouldn't really know. but vampires are really hot...
24: Do you believe in love? yes
25: Do you believe in soul mates? yes
26: Do you believe in Heaven? i don't know
27: Do you believe in God? i don't know
28: What do you want done with your body when you die? buried?
29: If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? i'm fine with my kitties
30: What color are the walls in your room? yellow
31: Can you eat with chopsticks? no i need to use like the children safe ones cause i'm retarted
32: What's your favorite coin? my favorite coin?
33: What are some of your favorite candies? anything chocolate
34: What's something that you wish people would understand? ignorance is "bliss"
35: What's something you wish you could understand better? why i am the way i am
36: What is something that you really wish was still around? myself.

1: Slept in your bed? me
2: Saw you cry? i think spencer
3: Made you cry? my mom
4: Spent the night at your house? cynthia
5: You shared a drink with? ridge
6: You went to the movies with? conk...wow that was long ago
7: You went to the mall with? drew i think
8: Yelled at you? my mom
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